My Biggest Fear

I’ve talked about fears and insecurities before, but one of the biggest and most harmful fears that I’ve ever faced as a writer, is the fear of success.

Success terrifies me more than failure or rejection—as much as I dislike those things.

Why?

Because success puts more eyes on me. 

Success makes me feel like I have to keep up the act of being a “successful person”. 

Success often comes with self-inflicted expectations and new responsibilities.

Where It All Began…

When I was younger, I loved to learn, and I loved to talk about what I’d learned.

This habit of mine earned me the reputation of being “the smart kid”.

People expected me to know things. Not just the things that I was interested in learning about, but everything.

I was the person who people turned to when they wanted a random trivia fact. The person who everyone in my homeschool group wanted to sit next to if there was a pop quiz or test. The one who always had her hand up in class to answer questions.

In short, I was a know-it-all teacher’s pet.

And since I didn’t want people to think that they were wrong—that I wasn’t actually as smart as they thought I was—I did my best to keep up appearances.

I did whatever it took to keep getting better grades than everyone else. I’d look for more opportunities to share my science or history facts. And I raised my hand so often that my teachers would ask “anyone else?” before finally calling on me to answer discussion questions.

By my sophomore year of high school, I was completely overwhelmed and exhausted from trying to be everyone else’s definition of smart.

So instead, I tried something different.

Abandoning Success

I decided to act like I no longer cared. No matter how much I studied, I’d always tell my friends that I barely even looked at our textbook before a test.

Or I’d wait until the very last second to finish my homework, because then I’d feel like I’d have a good excuse if I ended up getting a bad grade on it.

But eventually, the guilt and stress I felt from pretending got so bad that I gave up studying and trying altogether. 

So when I still got high marks without even trying, I felt like the biggest fraud in the world.

And that feeling never went away, even after I graduated.

Pursuing Perfection

I’ve always felt like I need to be the best.

The perfect daughter, friend, and person. 

Everyone needed to like me, and I had to be good at everything I did—even if I had never done it before.

I grew up hearing phrases like, “You’re so good at everything!” and “I wish I was as smart as you…” or “Wow, you’re so talented!”

And instead of saying “thank you” and moving on with my life, I’d obsess over keeping that image of perfection.

I don’t think I really need to explain just how unhealthy it is for your sole goal in life to be pleasing other people all the time, but in case you didn’t know… It’s extremely unhealthy.

The fear of disappointing others is exactly what led me to fear success, and fearing success has caused me quite a bit of trouble…

Self-sabotage

I won’t pretend that I haven’t had any success as a writer so far. I’ve been published three times within the last three years, and this year I’ll be published twice—once on June 19th, and again in August.

But while I’ve had plenty of great moments, the fear of success has held me back from writing to the best of my ability.

In fact, I used to tell myself not to do my best whenever I was writing. Because if I did my best and it still wasn’t good enough, I’d feel much worse than if I purposely didn’t do my best and my editor pointed it out.

Self-focused

And yet, at the end of the day, I know that the guilt and fear I’ve experienced from the time I was a little girl is just the result of making my talents and gifts all about me.

I let my desire to be admired and liked by people, replace my desire to honor and glorify God.

God gave me a love of learning. He also gave me a gift for storytelling, and a desire to create. So instead of fearing what will happen if people decide that they don’t like me for whatever reason, or that I’ll disappoint them, I want to focus on what God called me to do.

Because that’s what’s really important.

Before You Go…

What is your biggest fear? What’s been holding you back from success?

Let me know down in the comments, or send me an email at thirzah@thirzahwrites.com

Also, I did it! I finished editing An Ambassador’s Ploy and sent it off for copyediting! More details about the book release will be coming soon, so be sure to join my newsletter if you haven’t already.