A Life of Insanity or Purpose?

A few days ago, I woke up, and as I was getting ready for my day, I looked in the mirror and realized just how crazy my life is.

I left home at seventeen and moved to a different state—all so I could learn how to be a full-time writer.

It probably wouldn’t be so crazy if it wasn’t for the fact that becoming a writer was never in my plans.

Childhood Dreams

When I was younger, I wanted to be an actress, singer, ballet dancer, party planner, zookeeper, veterinarian, scientist, or archeologist. Writing wasn’t on the list—other than writing a book about my life and the successful career I was undoubtedly going to have once I finally decided what exactly I wanted to do.

But a few years ago, I was sitting in a conference room pretending to listen to what the speaker was saying when I suddenly had an idea for the plot of a fantasy novel. From there, the idea grew into an entire fantasy world—with different creatures, cultures, and places.

The floodgates opened, and from that moment on, I wrote whenever I could—not just for my fantasy novel, but for other stories I came up with.

Dream or Nightmare?

Either way, it’s only been about four years since I started writing, but here I am pursuing it as if it’s always been my life’s dream.

But writing isn’t a dream. It requires real work, and balancing my work with everything else in my life has been really difficult. I moved away from my family, and sometimes I struggle to pay for rent, groceries, and bills—all while spending around forty hours a week working on my writing business. 

I love writing, and I’ve learned so much during this period of time, so I definitely don’t regret my decision to leave my comfort zone and step out into the life God has called me to.

That said, sometimes I still think that I’m walking the line between faith and insanity.

The Truth

But maybe that’s okay. Maybe I don’t need to be sure of myself or my decisions. Maybe I can just do the best I can with what’s in front of me. Maybe I can continue to put in the work and keep going even when it’s uncomfortable. Maybe I can keep learning and growing in this community. Maybe I can stop being so afraid of making mistakes.

The Chance to Walk Away

Last year I had several chances to walk away from my apprenticeship at The Company, and from writing.

Everyone around me was giving up, so it would have been easy to give up with them—except it wasn’t easy.

I had a war raging on within my mind. Both sides had strong arguments and sound reasoning. It made logical sense for me to go—I was struggling as it was, so if I went home I could see my family and not have to worry about whether I’d be able to pay rent or afford to buy food myself. 

But then what?

War

I learned a lot about writing last year, but the whole point of attending the two-year writing apprenticeship was to learn the technical writing and business stuff in the first year of the program, and apply that knowledge in the second year.

Leaving before the second year would be a waste.

The war in my brain continued until I spoke with a few people who told me that I should give up. That it would be a good idea. One person even told me that God told her that I should leave.

That’s when I realized I needed to stay.

The Call to Stay

At first, I made the decision out of pure stubbornness—I mean, when someone uses God’s name to tell me that I should do something that they want me to do, obviously I’m not going to do it. There was a split second where I wondered if the person had actually heard from God, but He debunked that lie almost immediately. 

As stubborn as I can be, the real reason I couldn’t go home was that I wasn’t supposed to. Not yet.

A Life Worth Writing About

There was still more for me to learn and experience. People to meet, and opportunities to explore. If I had left last year, I would have missed out on so many amazing things—like taking a six-hour long road trip to Kentucky with Alli Prince, Lindsey Backen, and Brad Pauquette, petting ducks in a friend’s kitchen, or learning how to shoot a pistol at a gun range.

I feel like I’ve really lived a life worth writing about during the time I’ve been here in Ohio. 

So I’m grateful that God brought me here…and kept me here.

Before You Go…

Have you ever experienced a time when you had to choose whether to give up or keep going?

Let me know down in the comments!