Confession Time

I’m not very good at dealing with loss or change.

Whether it’s switching to a new pen because my old one has run out of ink, saying goodbye to a friend who has moved away, or losing a loved one, I often struggle to adjust.

This isn’t a new revelation or anything… In fact, I’ve been adverse to change from the time I was a toddler.

But now, instead of throwing a tantrum and announcing to the world that I’m upset when life doesn’t go as planned, I’ve switched to bottling up or denying my feelings until something super small finally sets me off, and everything comes out at once.

The Response

Last Sunday, someone innocently asked me how I was doing. 

I responded by immediately bursting into tears.

Not exactly the most articulate of responses, but I think it expressed my emotional state at that moment quite well.

My life has been going through a multitude of changes lately—some more pleasant than others.

And the past couple weeks have been especially difficult.

Someone Missing

Yesterday, I attended the funeral of my great aunt.

But as I sat in my chair, looking around at the purple and white flower arrangements, and the pictures of my aunt on the projector screen, I found that I felt more confusion than grief.

None of it felt real.

I had just spoken with my aunt on the phone. She had just asked me about my writing, and how my other special projects were coming along. She had expressed excitement in seeing what I would accomplish.

And a week later, she was gone.

I can text her, but she won’t respond. I can call her, but she’s not going to answer her phone.

I know all of that, and yet, while I sat in the church attending her funeral, part of me expected her to walk in at any moment with a big smile on her face and say something that would make us all laugh.

She didn’t. 

My head knows that she’s in heaven. That I’ll see her again one day, and that she’s happy where she is right now.

But my heart aches.

I can’t ask for her opinion on my stories anymore, or text her happy birthday, or hear her jokes, or apologize when she scolds me for not coming to see her more often.

It’s an empty, unresolved feeling, like reading a book without an ending.

And I know there will eventually be a resolution, but I don’t feel it right now.

Clueless

There are a lot of things I’ve wanted to write about over the past several weeks (like my trip to Realm Makers, what babysitting has taught me about character motivations, and how I’ve been dealing with the temptation to write a completely new story before I’ve finished editing my current one), but with everything going on in my life, I’ve lacked the desire to post anything.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

There’s no “how to deal with being sad” handbook.

Even in the Bible, people deal with sorrow in a ton of different ways.

So right now, all I really want is a mix of alone time and time to be with my family.

Writing helps me to process and truly understand how I feel when my mind is a muddled mess of emotions.

God wants to hear my honest thoughts, feelings, and questions, so I need to spend more time in prayer.

I’m also not the only one who’s sad right now. So I want to remember that, and be there for the rest of my family members as well.

And of course, I still have work, writing, and other responsibilities that I can’t afford to neglect.

Before You Go…

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me and my family. I really appreciate that you took the time to include us in your prayers. ❤